Grow'n Up @ 29

Random Thought Break

2006-10-08T18:06:00.000-07:00

For the past month, I haven't been particularly motivated to write anything of interest or worth. So, I am going to take a small break. Halloween is one of my favorite celebrations, maybe a reflection from this years festivity will conjure up new creativity and motivation.....Until then............

Random Thought 8

2006-08-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

Inhale, exhale:

It literally feels like that's all I do. At least with most people, they inhale-there is something interesting happening-they exhale. I guess interesting depends on the person. Interesting stopped in college for me, I think I can say that with certainty. People aren't as colorful as they use to be. I can stereotype a person in a 5 minute first encounter-usually right on the money. As adults, I think, we tend to fall into categories-whether we like it or not. Some people might like a lot of drama in their life-at home, work, personal, friends, and they usually attract a lot of it and seem to not understand why?

Then there are some people who are control freaks-any and everything. They can't seem to focus without having a certain amount of control. They don't really like the theory of fate and it's sister destiny in reality. They're people who are anal, and those who are functioning multitasking system heads-by the book 24-7 or life is meaningless.

These are just a few of many categories. Where do I fall in? Well if a person met me, they could't tell right away what category I fell in. I think I would say I'm a personality leech. Depending on ur/person's personality-I behave accordingly. If one were to ask everyone I met or hung out with to describe me or my personality, all will have different answers. One will say I'm free spirited, one will say I like to sleep all day, one will say I'm very anal, another will say I am boring; one will say I am a daring party animal, another will say I'm a weed smoking lush, one will say I am loud and crazy, another will say I am very quiet, clever, and attentive.

They all sound like splits in personalites, but depending on the person's behavior my personalty becomes different. When I was little I enjoyed the colorful personalities exerted from my peers. It was fun going to school, to be with people like that, the upredictable differences. I guess I never seem to let that go when everyone else did. No one ever tells a kid grown-ups are boring, they just tell us be happy ur a kid, enjoy it. What the hell does that mean to a kid? Tell'em in a language they understand....hey it sucks, it's boring. Non-parental authority sucks the life out of u, then things aren't so colorful anymore, ur not a kid, ur a grown-up.

As said before, interesting is seen differently. Maybe there are many who feel being an adult is the kick ass greatest thing that ever happen because they have to prove something, what it is I don't know. My version of an adult, when I was little, was something very different. It didn't have bills, government, non-parental authority, or stress as complicating factors. To be blunt, if I had to do it all over agian, I think I would have asked to skip it.

Random Thought 7

2006-08-06T00:08:00.000-07:00

Over It.

Many 'a times I knocked on Death's door-literally begg'n to come in; I even broken an entry a couple of times, but each time It sent me pack'n back to sucky reality. It's probably tired of seeing me by now, and so I told It that I wouldn't bother It anymore until It came for me. It sounds kind of sad and sick, someone chas'n Death down for an early arrival-but it just feels like I been here too long.

I don't know how to describe it, but I'm simply over it. I guess boredom gett'n the best of existence. Some people ask me, "well what do u want?" I reply with, what I want isn't here in this reality. They ask me, "how do u know what u want isn't here." I say, because I haven't experienced it yet and probably never will here. I am one to think that the grass is greener on the other side because it's dead on this side.

So I wait, as I am suppose to, as I always did. I was born, raised, recieved an education so that I can contribute to a schizophrenic society by working for stress and intangibles, mabe get married and have children, then die. It really is as black and white as that, how stimulating. My question in that process is, where does the happiness part come in, and how long does it last? Everyone I talk to, rich, poor, or middle say their content-not happy.

I wonder how long did it take, for the people I asked, for them to realize they were substituting happiness for content? I hope not years. That would piss me off if I thought life was going to provide me with something that never came, so I had to settle for whatever was there-mediocre instead of bliss. There really isn't anything u can do, u can try and bargain with God on why u got the short end of the stick-but everyone got the same size stick it's just packaged differently.

So this is what I see in Life, and it, Life, is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I never really thought I'd see it for what it really was, nothing more or less, at such a young age. People tell me to be happy that I was able to see and understand what takes people a life time; I'm not sure if it's something to be happy about. Sometimes sleeping through life has it's benefits, being awake only makes u resent the ones who are sleep and envy the ones who are dead and moved on to the greener grass.

Random Thought 6

2006-07-08T22:57:00.000-07:00

Family

As I grew up in my immediate dysfuntional family, I had mixed emotions about my extended one. My stepfather disassociated himself from his family, so I didn't have to go to his parents house a lot. That was cool too, I hated going over there. His people weren't very warm, and I wondered were all Creoles like that (at the time I didn't know he wasn't my real father)-mean, talk wierd so you couldn't understand what they were saying about you, oh and give $5 every christmas to me and my youngest brother-but my middle brother recieved nice game systems (another long story in itself).

Very happy when we were no longer welcomed after seeing my stepfather cuss out his parents, stormed out of their house, grabbed us-threw us in the car, and sped off. My mom's family on the other hand....how can I categorize them? They suck. I know everybody says there family sucks, but how many actually mean it? I have known this for a long time now, and can't seem to find anything to not make it so. You already know about the $10 pot luck. That is just a small tib bit.

I guess I can blame my mom for me not really taking an interest in cousin grad parties, family functions and so forth. She always talked bad about them, but then gives them money and they never pay her back, gives them things and never recieves anything in return. I wish she was as generous to her children as she is with her so called screw up sisters, brother, nephews, and nieces. I wish-but wishes are nothing but "ifs" in a realistic world-so I never really need to be careful what I wish for.

So "what had happen was..." there was a block club event. I was asked to help serve the attendees for a small fee. I had already did 3 day 12 hor shifts at the Clinic. I was exhausted, but my mom said they needed servers-I said ok. For $75 I can stand on my feet for a few more hours. My mom is only VP in the Home Owners Assoc (HOA)-she is not the one who calls the shots-mind you she's getting all the food, setting up everything at the park at the crack on dawn.

By seeing all this-this morning, I knew it was going to be a mess. One person getting all this done by herself calls for a big mess. 150 people showed up to be served food and drink an hour late. The President of the HOA didn't help at all, he was to busy singing and performing with what look to be a baby's tambourine in a 40+ "hear a like" Genesis band-living his dream? By the way, they sucked major ass-I rather listen to my dog Snoopy crap on the grassy knoll than hear them play.

2 of my cousins were invited to serve as well. When all was done, we broke down the tables, folded the chairs so that the company, my mom rented the tables and chairs from, can take them away. Here it comes...I'm tired, cleaning up what I can-packing it all up.....it's here....my mom approaches my cousins with money for their services. She comes to me..."do I really have to pay you because they're say'n they have to pay the band." I laughed and shook my head. Those washed up and washed out 40+ white guys who wished Simon Cowell would allow them to be in any part of American Idol because they suck worse than my dog's asshole got paid, and I couldn't get $75? Oh, but my cousins recieved payment-I see.

So, I told her in a calm voice so that I wouldn't make a scene that isn't worth it, "oh Miss Millie, I didn't 'spect those nice white folks to pay me, after all I's just help-what I look like ask'n those white folks fo'money?"

Of course I walked away. She apologized many times, but I told her no matter how much she says it-it really doesn't matter-it was going to happen anyway. The sad part is, if she ask me for help or assistance in anything-that anything will be well scrutinized before I agree. It doesn't matter if it's family or friends-what matters is silly unnecessary $h!t being the result of any scenario. If you know me, I try to avoid it all by any means necessary. I hate to worry or stress over stuff that will happen or will not happen depending on the end result. Sometimes I even look at it as a game, and as I always said "two hardest things I ever had to do, the first is life-the second is living it. When it becomes easy, hell-game over"

Random Thought 5

2006-06-26T21:13:00.000-07:00

New Yrs Resoln:

I know it's early to be bring'n this up, but while it's on my mind-why not? I decided, in addition to cursing GW's name everyday, I will only buy the things I need for the yr 2007. I went shopping today, and to my surprise I didn't have buyers remorse, but actual guilt of pruchasing merchandise I don't need. I have clothes in my closet I still haven't worn, I go out and buy more-I get home and look for where to put these clothes. I already did a Spring/Summer cleaning for the Goodwill, I don't need to again.

As the guilt deepened, I thought about the waste of money I just given up for clothes I probably won't wear. If I were 14 yrs old, my mom would say, "u know how many starv'n kids their are in Africa that can eat with that money..." instead, my mother was picking out the countless cute skirts and shorts for me to wear during the hot summer Inland Valley days & nites. I can just take them back right? I don't know why, but I won't. They'll sit there and collect dust until it's time for Winter cleaning or until I gain holiday weight and hate it cuzz it makes my ass look like asses-which ever comes first.

Anyways, I can make the resoln like a little game or something, how much can I save in 2007? The prize-mo'money...maybe then I can pay off some of that school loan a lot faster. (I doubt it, but it's cool to dream.) Maybe I can buy a star....naw that's too lame-who does that? Why does anyone do that? Stars aren't even owned, so how can u buy them? What happens if u own a star and it dies, can u get ur money back?-but then it goes back to the stupid question of who owns the stars besides an infinite mass of expanding darkness called the universe or existence.

While I'm on the subject, is it possible to own the sun? It is a star, since there's a ridiculous idea going around that people can actually purchase a star...it's the biggest and only star in our planetary system. If so, after so many years I wonder can we upgrade to planetary purchases....I hope to rename Neptune as "Side2Side", that would be tight; and if Nasa wants to visit with its multi million dollar satellites, that's cool-but u gotta pay some multi million dollars for a snapshot. If humanity parks their little "spaceship" on my planet they owe me for parking, if they roam around the planet for a few, they pay a sightseeing fee, and if they stay overnight on the planet or in its orbit they owe me rent.

I hope I find good ways to spend my money. I'll most likely put it away in some old glass pickle jar and bury it for retirement or help some poor unfortunate soul, by society, in another country eat regularly for a change...maybe even help the impoverished children recieve a decent education like I did. We'll see, say'n it is one thing, doing it is the next level.

Random Thought 4

2006-06-19T23:34:00.000-07:00

Work

I've only worked 2 months and some change at my new job, and it already feels like 10 years and some change. It's really sad though-the industry I work in- the patients trust u with their lives and expect u to perform test properly and accurately, not to mention-to have a certain amount of sanity. Let's see, I'll blame it on my coworker....yes one coworker. Having her around is like having 5 Michaels from the tv show "The Office" working with u. She wears u out so much u forget what date or time it is...maybe even why ur here on earth.

I feel sorry for her patients. Not only do I have to hear the story about her and her boyfriend/fiance/15 years her senior, but I have to hear it everytime she tells her patients. Then my patients have to hear it. Today I had the wonderful pleasure of being asked what to do on ur wedding night if ur period started. I don't know, I guess I have a sign on my head that says ask the 29 year old spinster slut all ur sexual questions. Maybe I look like a sexual deviant. It's one thing to ask me in private, but why ask in front of-what looked to be an 18 yr old guy who had no interest in finding out what u should do to please ur newlywed hubby on ur wedding night when ur on the rag. He shouted, "ear muffs! all u had to say was ear muffs! I would have left".

I would be shocked beyond belief, mouth dropped to the floor where I had to pick it back up again, but-this was typical behavior. I continue to process my patients test, she kept asking me, pestering me. This is what I go through everyday, and unfortunately the patients-especially those who come every week.

She's also a walking, talking, safety hazard. In her last job, she contracted a few diseases (won't mention she was kind enough to disclose to me), but she pokes herself with a needle to her finger by accident and proceeds to show me. Because she's not getting the reaction she wants, I assume, she places her finger again-this time inches away from my face as blood drips down her hand and unto the counter in front of patients. It took a lot of will-power, patience, and self control to not beat the s@!t out of her and let the patients know she was a walking disease infested freak.

I'm sure there is one in every workplace, and if there isn't-and where just freak shows, I'd like to think we're not the only ones. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a "B" movie-waiting for the credits to role, and it's just not ending yet, so I hope everyone has left the theater cuzz I would of.

Random Thought 3

2006-05-25T22:38:00.000-07:00

Friends and Family:

Jesus! I must really love my friends and family members. When we "converse" we discuss stupid stuff. I'm not a phone person, and I don't like to talk about the same things over and over. It kills me when I have to sit through a conversation about a topic that was in discussion for weeks-let's move on already!

2 examples, 1st-on the way to In & Out Burger-I had to hear my father talk about my mother's oldest sister charging people $10 to participate in a potluck.....I know Janky and Ghetto. Why would I spend $10 to hang out in a park in 95 degree heat, hot and sticky, just to eat my own food. Hell, I can do that in the comfort of my own home, at least I have a pool and air condition. I sympathize with my mother; although she is out of the country, I have play wife and listen to this topic of discussion that has been in play for a week now. I say listen because I don't feel like participating anymore, contributing my opinion over and over again is like watching paint dry on a wall-it's dead.....not to my father. He has to replay the invitation over and over again. I feel like I can say exactly what he says because he's said it all week. I just nodd or say un-huh. I can't wait for her to come back, being a listening ear to him is another job in itself.

The killer part is, it's not just that discussion-the $10 potluck, but he jumps from one discussion to another. Like, he will talk about the potluck, and then talk about my baby brother all in one statement. Who does that? How is the listener suppose to know u switched topics?....Yap yap yap.

2nd-close friend calls. She tells me she needs a favor, so I tell her sure-I'll do it. I give her the "Q" time to get off the phone cuzz I'm tired sigh, "well...." meaning, "well...I'm gonna go cuzz I am tired girl". Everytime I sighed, she ignored it and kept talking-I couldn't even get the, "well" out good enough. Her topic of discussion?....A man. I am thrilled she is seeing one and gett'n some on the regular, but do I have to hear every detail u go over with me week after week. Yes I do, cuzz I'm her friend. So I listen, I know exactly what she's gonna say cuzz she's been say'n it for a week now, and will continue to say it until she does something new with him. I wish they spend more time together just so I can have a change of story at least 3 times a week.

It's getting so bad that u can hear my fake laughs over the phone, why-cuzz it's not funny anymore, last week it was. I love her though, so I tolerate it and listen as good friends do. Human Beings, we're funny creatures-so predictable, so repetitive. I don't think I can be without my family or friends, so I do my part until I can't anymore.

Random thought 2

2006-05-24T23:03:00.000-07:00

Hiding:

We're all human right? I mean we all have the same things, two arms, hands, legs, mouth, feet-and so on. Why do we spend so much time trying to be different from what we are. A face is a face, and yet we dress it up with make-up or put chemicals on it to make it darker, lighter, our lips fuller, or stretch it to hide wrinkles that are a natural process to the human face. A human body is what it is-a body that houses the beautiful energetic souls. Why must we pull, tuck, cut, and mutilate natural beauty?

What's wrong with the way natural human beauty reflects through out its course of life? Why do we hide it? Why shame it with abuse and hate then call it improvements or say "I feel better about myself". How can one feel better about distorting natural beauty?

There was a time when all we humans did was be human. There was natural beauty and acceptance-no make-up, no plastic, no chemicals to mix, no stress, no hiding-just people being who they were-people, society calls it primitive-I call it "keep'n it real"

Random Thoughts 1

2006-05-19T23:17:00.000-07:00

I'm 29 years old, and I feel that I'm thinking way too much about.....about......any and everything. I mean who showers and thinks about the "kind" of shampoo ur putting into ur hair and if another person the same age in a "3rd world country" would few its significance the same as u do. I don't even think that they would care, their priorites are extremely different from mine. Mindless little things like this, enter into my mind. I don't even know how to stop it, who wants to think like this all day long. Today, the thought of the day was....how come society is so stessed out over simple little things. It was lunch time, and my co-workers and I could not make up our minds on where to eat. My job is surrounded by a dozen fast food chains and a mall. Why we could not possibly pick a place still puzzles me. To tell u the truth, I rather use my lunch break to sleep in my car....that's just what I did, I'm lazy like that. My co- workers ended up eating at the vending machine. Gotta have those chips after all. I feel, if ur gonna stress-take a nap, or if u can't at least stress over something that is worth it.....well I guess in my co-workers minds not knowing where to eat is worth worrying about vs a family trying to figure out if they will be able to eat for the week-hey gotta love that Maslow's theory-um McDonald's or Jack in the Box? I don't know, this is a hard one. I guess it's in the same boat as trying to pick the right shampoo for ur hair. Does it really matter? Shampoo is shampoo, if ur hair falls out get a weave, if not start a trend with really short uneven hair. Just the thought of any bad result stresses u out, me out, everybody. Then who is everybody? Does it matter, and does everybody really care. So I arrive at the begining again, as I always do in a simple question that can be answered an infinite number of ways, and taken as so in an infinite number of ways: who showers and thinks about the "kind" of shampoo ur putting into ur hair and if another person the same age in a "3rd world country" would few its significance the same as u do.